Four-legged Letter to Her Human | My Sage Advice

Dear Human,

Since I have allowed you to live in my home, I have managed to evict you from my home from the hours of 5 am to roughly 7 pm, Monday through Friday. However, this week has been different. I have tried many tactics to make you leave. I have sat on your warm device you like to pound away on during the days now. I even tried to do you bodily harm by clawing your leg. But you just won't leave – there’s something that is holding you back. Something about a virus.

I get that you don’t want to get sick, but I want my domain back. And your stir craziness is interfering with my daily napping and honestly is just plain annoying.

So, to help prod you along, I want to give you something. It’s in the form of a list, since I know you like things organized. Please review my five really good ideas of what you can do, outside my house, while still maintaining your “social distance.” (I’ve heard you mention that too)

1. Get Exercise: I know you will claim that you need to be in front of your computer, but seriously, is that really true? You already had a meltdown between 8 am and 9 am this morning because your remote access was not functioning properly due to bandwidth constraints. And when you learned it may not be back up until later in the afternoon, you cried for seriously 10 minutes.

But why not seize the day here when things like this happen? It is not like you can work while the IT infrastructure is being fixed. Take a jog (but don’t try and put that leash on me again and take me with you or I will claw your new sofa). Or go for a hike. I looked at your social media profile—you talk about loving hiking—but I think it’s a lie because you haven’t hiked since we first met. Prove me wrong.

2. Go For A Drive: Don’t think I didn’t notice you bought a shiny new car. For the record, it smells awful. I cannot believe you humans like that new car smell. Why don’t you take it, and its bad smells, for a ride and drive through the country taking only back roads. Roll your windows down and enjoy the fresh air. And enjoy the fact that you have a new car.

3. Garden: That cold, white stuff has seemed to have gone away and there appears to be those green things I like to eat off the trees growing back. Get out and plant some flowers or seed the lawn. After all, wouldn’t it be cool to be able to pick your own flowers as opposed to buying grocery store packaged bouquets? I personally love home grown flower arrangements to nibble on when you are at work. And most importantly, don’t forget to plant my catnip.

4. Get Artistic: You like photography—after all, how many selfies did you take of me and you together and Snapchat it to one of your friends? Perhaps, on a walk, take your dusty camera you haven’t used in years and take pictures of some sunrises and sunsets. I promise not to be annoying when you get back and want to photoshop them. If you don’t want to take photos, perhaps sit out back in my yard and try painting something. (Your easel, despite what you think, is not lost. It is in the closet next to the dusty camera where you left it six months ago).

5. Go Birding: My favorite activity when I was my younger, outdoor, ferocious catself was birding. I loved to study how they flew as I strategized my next kill to bring back to you as my reward for you not annoying me. I think you would enjoy that activity too. My favorite type of bird to watch this time of year are the cardinals, although I haven’t seen too many this winter. Just remember, the birds are most vulnerable at the feeder and be careful of the woodpeckers—those beaks hurt.

And if you don’t like traditional birding, something you might think is fun is going to the nearby airport and finding a spot to watch planes land. Granted there may be fewer landing, but I heard it is pretty neat. If you do that, let me know if you see a 787 land—I heard their wings are cool. They bend up on landing like a bird.

I don’t care if you try a couple, a few, or all of these ideas. But you have to promise me to try something. Promise to take this opportunity to live a bit differently than you did before.

Overall, I guess what I am saying, is get out of my house, but also be safe.

Your master,

Lilly (the cat)